Take Care of YOU

As parents, we want to take care of our kids. We take care of our spouses. We take care of things at work. We play so many roles. We are taxi drivers, cheerleaders, nurses, disciplinarians, teachers, cooks, and maids, just to name a few. We make sure the kids are fed and loved. We check homework. We do the laundry. We wash dishes. We clean the house. All of that is in addition to any paying jobs we might have. Work at home parents and work outside the home parents, “stay-at-home” parents, whatever our role, we are just busy nowadays. Add to that the fact that now, more than any time in the past, we are available 24/7 thanks to our laptops, tablets, and smart phones.

Just writing that makes me feel it. BURN OUT.

Like a fire consumes the wood, so our lives can be consumed and we can Burn Out.

 

There have been times, even when I was a “stay-at-home” mom that I was so busy, I longed for an actual day where I didn’t have to leave the house… and I was only raising one child at that time. We homeschooled. I had a job at a Boys & Girls club three hours a day, five days a week and brought my son with me. He had sports practice (different sports at different times of year) twice a week, games on Saturdays. We had church on Sundays and Wednesday nights. It was a very busy time. My son loved it. He loved the interaction with kids, as we were in a rural neighborhood with only one other kid. But I was burnt out. I was so thankful when summer rolled around and we could just stay at home. Back then, I was a single mom, but still had income from my almost-ex-husband. Things changed quite a bit after the divorce, but that’s another post.

When to you take care of you? If you give and give and never receive from others or from yourself, you end up an empty shell. I know. I have been there. I had learned over our years of separation and getting back together and separating again that I had to take time for myself. When my son would spend the night with friends, I would wander around our home, lost. I didn’t know what to do. It took some time, but eventually I realized a few things:

• I learned that I can be a better Mommy if I took a little time for myself.
• I learned that my son wouldn’t die if I didn’t entertain him or keep him crazy busy.
• I learned that my son is a very creative person, given a chance to be bored.
• I learned that taking my son to the park, meeting friends there, gave him the chance to get out some energy and gave me a chance to talk with the other parents. Sometimes, I didn’t talk, but wandered around taking pictures. I love taking pictures and expressing my creativity in photographic form.
• I learned that my son is a very capable person and can help around the house. I didn’t have to do it all alone, exhausting myself. He just needed training. We often worked together to get things done more quickly.
• I learned that I could swap baby-sitting with a friend, so I had a chance to go out alone (even if it was just to the grocery store or to get my hair cut).
• I learned that other parents liked my kid and liked having him over for sleep-overs with their kids. That gave me time to maybe go out to dinner with a friend. Times when we were both broke, we’d just get an appetizer or dessert, maybe even sharing one, just to get away from the kids. Sometimes, I would stay home and watch a movie not made for little people, whether a romantic comedy or a great action flick with too much violence for little eyes.
• I learned that I am a good hostess to my kid’s friends, too. If he is safely in my house, playing with a friend, I can have time alone without even leaving my own home or getting dressed up.
• I learned when my son was just two, that I could actually take a bath alone. He was just outside my door playing, of course. His instructions were not to bother me unless he was bleeding or on fire. A 30 min or when he was older, 60 min bath can do wonders for my outlook. Light a scented candle, turn out the lights, add some Epsom Salts (inexpensive and available at grocery stores and drug stores) to the bath. The magnesium in the Epsom Salts actually relaxes muscles for a great night’s sleep. Works on the kids, too. Figure 1/2 cup per 50 lbs of body weight in an average sized tub.

I also came to realize that the times we just ignored the outside world, together, were fabulous times to treasure and could recharge both our batteries. Covering the living room floor with building blocks and lincoln logs could be great fun (and have the child help put them away properly, too). Board games can be fun and teach them without their realizing it. Card games are fun. Popping popcorn and watching a movie with all the lights out and the curtains closed, surrounded by blankets and pillows or in a homemade couch cushion fort builds special memories.

You don’t have to have a lot of money or even escape the kids to recharge, but you need to recharge. What lights your fire? Are you artsy? Do you need time to work with your hands? Are you a thinker and just want some time to read a new treatise? You can find time. You have to be very deliberate about it, to be sure, but it can be done. Sometimes, you can let the dishes sit. Maybe you don’t need to go to every holiday party to which you are invited. Maybe you just need to take advantage of nap time. You can do it, Mom. You can do it, Dad. Remember the first thing I learned? You can be a better parent if you take care of yourself.

Please leave a note in the comments and tell me what you have learned to do to avoid burn out and take care of yourself.

Missing My Baby Girl

My Audrey Grace.

My very much wanted and planned for second child. My sweet pea. My baby who had Trisomy 18, a third copy of her 18th chromosome… a condition considered “incompatible with life.”

We welcomed her into the world on October 15, 2003, knowing well in advance the ultimate outcome. My baby girl would have been 11 this year. If she only had two copies of that 18th chromosome, she would have been full of life and hormones about now. She would be bugging her older brother. She would probably be driving me crazy… and we would have been crazy about her. Life would have been very different indeed.

But life doesn’t always turn out the way we plan.

I told my mom when I was a teenager that I thought I would have a child with different needs. She told me I wasn’t normal 🙂  She said that “normal” people see themselves with “normal” children. When I found out that Audrey wasn’t “normal,” I had a sense of peace and calm. I knew God had prepared my heart many years in advance to be the mom of a very special child. I didn’t plan to have a child with different needs, but I somehow always knew I would.

Knowing in advance simply does not prepare one for the onslaught of care and decisions. We knew at 15 weeks and 6 days gestation that she would not be with us for long. We chose to carry her to term and spend as much time as we could with her. We purposely chose to face whatever came our way.

Knowing in advance didn’t make the loss easier. Visiting funeral homes instead of pediatricians was never on my radar for a pregnancy activity. Choices of what type of care to pursue and not to pursue? They don’t have a class on that. You visit on line sites and pray a lot. You listen to others who have traveled the road you are traveling. No two families have the exact same journey, just like no two children with any Trisomy (or any birth defect, for that matter) are alike. You do the best you can with the information you have at your disposal at the moment. Sometimes the choices are easier. Sometimes the choices are almost impossible.

When the time comes to say, “Good-bye,” whether you knew you were going to lose her or not, it is gut wrenching. I believe I had it a little bit easier than many. I knew ahead of time that my daughter wasn’t built to last. It wasn’t a shock. Did I feel my insides get ripped out? Yes. Did I cry? It took about two months, but I was able to cry. Did I get angry? Of course. Seeing healthy babies come from moms who didn’t care, drug moms, babies left in dumpsters… it wasn’t fair. We could have given our much wanted second child a beautiful life. Grief ebbs and flows. Some days are easier than others. Some days you can barely function. Some days you can take solace in the care of those who don’t know what to do or say. Some days you can laugh at your other children’s antics or a TV show. It’s okay to laugh, but just because you are able to laugh doesn’t mean  your grief is instantly over. Everyone must take their own journey through this. Each journey will be unique. Some journeys are shorter. Some are very long. Be gentle with yourself. Healing will come when it comes.

In the end, you have to believe that you did the very best you could. You have to know that following your heart was the best choice. It isn’t easy. My grief journey started before my daughter was born. It intensified when her soul left her body as I held her in my arms, just 40 minutes before Mother’s Day in 2004. I have made it to the plateau they call “Acceptance.” Does that mean I have ceased grieving? No. It just means that the waves of grief are much farther apart now than they used to be. There are still days I question, days I wonder what would have been, days I long for her hugs. That will never end.

She will always and forever be my baby girl.

My Audrey Grace.
She was a wiggly one and liked to pull her oxygen tube out… we had to gently tape it in place.

 

I am homeless.

I want to be completely open and share my heart with you in this blog. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write: I am one of the homeless I described in the previous post.

This is me, waking up in my car on the morning of my 44th Birthday:

Waking up in my car the morning of my 44th birthday, after “sleeping” in a hot car the night before.

I brushed my teeth and washed my face at a gas station the night before. I waited until it was quite dark and then drove to an out-of-the-way place I had found. I slept in my car next to a construction site. I got bitten by all kinds of flying bugs. I rolled up the windows and sweat like crazy in the summer heat.

I have been blessed. Although actually considered homeless for three years now, following a divorce after being a homeschooling mom for years, there have been few nights I have actually had to sleep in my car. Since the divorce three years ago, I have had seven addresses. Shelters, friends, people from my tiny church… plus several “week here and week there” addresses as I house or pet sit.

Things often come through at the last minute. I held two part time jobs for a while until the one that paid slightly more and offered a more regular, if part-time, schedule stopped playing ball and working with me to accommodate both schedules and I had to quit the first job. Then the second one let me go. I have worked at a couple of temporary jobs since then. I worked with the circus! I stripped thorns from roses in a warehouse the week before Valentine’s Day. I have been unemployed for nine months, staying in several places at the generosity of friends.

I am a USAF trained Communications Program Manager. I have a heart for kids, especially those with special needs, and have had many jobs and volunteer positions working with them (both typical and special  needs). I have run a doctor’s office. I am well-spoken and obviously have a fairly firm grasp of the technical aspects of writing. I am outgoing and personable. I have a slightly sarcastic sense of humor. I am a consummate professional and have what has been described by others as having the “perfect phone voice” (I have even been accused of being a recording).

I have survived depression and postpartum depression. I have survived mental, emotional, and even some physical abuse. I still choose to see the world as a good place. A few bad people and some more than challenging circumstances do not make it otherwise. We live in a fallen world. Period. I choose joy. Am I a little “Pollyanna” in my views? Perhaps. I try to always remember the words of Paul in his letter to the Philippians, chapter 4: 11-13  11-I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12-I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13-I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. It doesn’t mean I don’t face doubt. It doesn’t mean I don’t face fear. It means that day by day I am learning to trust in the One who has it all under control. Just like I don’t know His final plan for me having a daughter that would subsequently die, I don’t know why this is happening, but I am choosing to trust that He has my best interests at heart. Until this happened, I could never have imagined such insecurity. Now, it is a constant companion. Just like I know without a shadow of a doubt that my daughter’s life had meaning and purpose, I know that something awesome will come out of this trial. Stay tuned as I travel this road and share my days. We’ll come through it together.

Check out my Instagram post along the lines of the same topic.

Who are the homeless?

When I say “homeless person,” what picture pops into your mind?

Something like this?

Would it surprise you to know that there is actually a much larger segment of the population that is homeless, but doesn’t actually live on the streets?

* These people (men, women, and children) lack a permanent, fixed residence.

* They are staying with successive shelters, friends, family, people from church, etc.

* They are couch surfing.

* They are bunking in an extra room or basement.

* They probably do not pay any rent or very minimal rent.

* Just because a person is homeless does not mean they use drugs.

* Many have jobs.

* Some have degrees from reputable universities.

* They might have been part of a round of “down-sizing” or the like, perhaps their jobs were cut to get rid of the higher salaries so the company could replace them with kids who don’t draw as high of a salary.

* Perhaps they even managed to stay in their homes for a while, until the money ran out and the bills caught up with them.

* They might have run from domestic violence.

* They might have been “stay at home” parents thrown out after divorce.

* They could be Veterans with or without mental or physical difficulties.

* They could hold two or three part-time jobs, since so many businesses are no longer hiring full time employees, so they don’t have to pay benefits.

* They might own a car or they might take public transportation.

* They might sleep in their car and pray the cops don’t come banging on the windows at night, sleeping only when the sun is down.

* When you live in your car or on the street, you have no place to shower, use the bathroom, or cook decent food.

* Often, a majority of their income goes to transportation and sustenance.

* Some refuse all government assistance.

* You cannot tell if a person is homeless just by looking at them. They do not always carry trash bags filled with their worldly goods or push their “stuff” in a grocery cart. Their car might be filled with plastic bins of clothes and food. They might have a small storage unit in which they keep their valuables, extra clothes, comfort type things and tangible memories they are holding on to until they once again have a place of their own.

 

As long as we continue in our prejudices and our assumptions, we can’t fight the issue. I don’t have the answers and I had to take a hard road to understand that this issue is much bigger than I ever imagined.

The people on the street desperately need our help. That is not in dispute. They are so often just walked past, overlooked, ignored…

But what about the other homeless? What about those spending a week or month here and there? Even staying for several months, but without any kind of security? Not knowing when they will be asked to leave? Making enough money to afford a place with a kitchen and a bathroom feels so far away for them. They are the unknown, unseen homeless.

Imagine the joy of putting their own name on a lease. Someplace where they can stay as long as they can afford it. A week-by-week economy hotel is not the same. They pray for a place where they can rest their head at night. They want a place that is safe from the bugs at night. Perhaps safe from vermin. A place where they can cook a meal or even just heat up a boxed meal. A place where they can sleep in pajamas and maybe stay in the pajamas all day on their day off and not have to explain to anyone.

I want to be completely open and share my heart with you in this blog. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write:

I am one of those homeless.

 

photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/benbeiske/5455821258/”>Ben Beiske</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a&gt;

Taking a break from Grief

My little morning angel

 

When I was looking for a “Throwback Thursday” picture for Instagram this morning, I happened upon this photo of my son. I remember the day this was taken just like it was yesterday.

This was taken one year to the day after my baby girl, Audrey Grace, left us for Heaven. My sweetheart died in my arms on the evening of May 8 at 11:20pm, with that little man up there by my side. He absolutely wailed when he found out his baby sister had gone to live with Jesus. It reverberated throughout the PICU. At that moment, my entire focus switched to him. My daughter was gone. She was no longer struggling with a body that didn’t work properly. She no longer needed supplemental oxygen. She was happy, healthy, and whole. She was unencumbered. My little boy, however, needed me. He needed my love and support and distraction. If I hadn’t had him, I don’t know how I would have survived the death of my child. Even when you know it is coming, as in the case of a child with Trisomy 18, it is a shock. It still hurts. It still debilitates you. You still question. You still struggle. This little guy needed me and that was what helped me through.

May 8th of the next year fell on Mother’s Day. We are normally in church on Sundays. We had an awesome church family that supported us with love and prayers during her whole life and her death and our grieving. But I knew that Mother’s Day Sunday would be exceptionally difficult. We chose to purchase/donate the flower arrangement for the altar and have it delivered to the church in her memory. I kept my son home and just had a lazy day.

We stayed in our jammies most of the day. We played bottle caps (stand the plastic bottle cap on its side, put your finger on the top, parallel to the opening, and press hard, pulling your finger towards you as you do so. The cap goes flying off). We sat at tv trays in the living room and went for distance. We shot them at each other. We ate junk. We made nests on the floor with blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals. We snuggled as we watched silly movies and kid’s shows. We chose to just enjoy the day.

To be honest, he was only five. I’m not sure if he realized it was Mother’s Day or not. I am pretty sure we talked about Audrey. We did most days. That day, I chose not to wallow in my grief, but to embrace the child that needed me as much as I needed him. We had fun. We made some memories at a time when we so desperately needed it.

I am not sure when it happened for him, but I know it took me about 18 months after losing her before I realized that I was having more good days than bad days. Losing a child is never easy. I am thankful I had someone to take care of, which allowed my mind a break from the grief.

You know, my baby girl has been gone ten years now. There are still times when it takes my breath away and I can’t believe I never got to see her grow up or that I will never hold her again. That little boy in the picture up there is now in high school, hanging out with his friends, a lineman on the football team, a member of the drama troop, a player of Minecraft, going to the pool, riding his bike all over… still needing his mom, though he doesn’t often admit it. We have made it through a lot in life together. He has seen more and had to deal with more than a lot of kids his age. It has made him tenderhearted. I am thankful for that. And I am thankful for the days we chose joy and chose to enjoy the little things in life. That picture is my memory of one of those days.

 

Writing my Dream

If you read my first blog post (click here), you know a little bit about me. One of the things people are often surprised to hear is that I am one of the many, many parents who has lost a child. I am thankful it wasn’t an accident or a sudden shock. I know the trauma would have been so much worse if we had lost her unexpectedly. We knew before my daughter was born that she was going to die. She had an extra chromosome. The presence of a third copy of a chromosome is called a “Trisomy.” An extra 21st chromosome will give you Down Syndrome. An extra 13th will give you Patau Syndrome. An extra 18th chromosome will give you Edwards Syndrome. Down Syndrome is the most common Trisomy, followed by Edwards Syndrome.

When we had Audrey Grace, the statistics I found said that  85% of Trisomy 18 pregnancies will end in still birth or miscarriage. Trisomy 18 affects about one in every 5000 pregnancies. Roughly 1000 Trisomy 18 babies are born alive in the US each year. Of that 1000, 50% will not live to be a week old. 80% will not live three months. 90%+ will not celebrate their first birthday. My baby girl defied all predictions and lived to be six months and 23 days old. 206 days. Seven days shy of seven months. Our life with a very fragile, terminally ill baby was not easy, but it was a blessing. Given the option to have never had her or to have had her and lost her, I would choose to look into those wise, gray eyes every time.

My Audrey Grace.
She was a wiggly one and liked to pull her oxygen tube out… we had to gently tape it in place.
One night, she kept pulling it out, making it blow into her eyes. I ended up taping it to the end of her nose, LOL. Don’t worry, it didn’t hurt. It just looked funny.

When we had our precious Audrey Grace, my son was four. He had just turned four the month before she was born. I was so blessed to be able to stay home with both of my children through this time. We had time to build memories. We knew her time with us would be short. We chose life. We chose faith. We chose love.

My baby girl passed away in my arms 40 minutes before Mother’s Day in 2004.

Today, I sat down to write a book I have been wanting to write for ten years. I am writing a book that will help other parents with a pregnancy that has a terminal diagnosis due to a Trisomy or other chromosomal abnormality explain to their older children how their new sibling won’t be with them long. It will be a short book, probably a picture book, written from the viewpoint of a three year old. It’s not an easy thing to write, but I have always said that if my experience could help just one other family… and I already know that it has. God has continually brought into my life people that need to hear my story or people that just need someone that had “been there.” This book is my way to help more people. This is my chance to tell how we prepared to survive the worst thing you can even imagine.

Today is my “anti-procrastination day.” I am writing my story.

My children in the NICU the day after my daughter was born.

 

What have you been putting off? What is in your heart to do or say? Do you have a story to tell? Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said (“You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”) and just get out there and do it. Nothing worth doing, nothing worth having has ever come easily.

 

Welcome to my new blog!

Mom on a Mission

Hello there and welcome to my blog! That’s me  up there ^^^ Just in case you need a face to go with the blog!

I believe that being a mom is the single most important job on earth. Raising the next generation to be strong, interdependent, caring people is a job without which society would collapse. I am a single mom, raised by a single mom. I have two wonderful kids, one here and one in heaven. I am looking to put my over 14 years of parenting experience as well as my years of working with many different age groups to work for me and you! I don’t have all of the answers, but I do have some. I tend to lean towards the Cliff & Claire method of parenting more than the Roseanne & Dan. I am hoping to learn from you as you learn from me!

My blog is not going to be the dissociative rantings of a PhD or anything even closely matching that description. I am a mom and while I am intelligent, as well as being an awesome mom, I am not an academic. My blog will share much of what I have learned personally, as well as what I have gleaned through my experiences. Occasionally, I will share what the experts have said, as I have seen it work in my life and the lives of those close to me. Once I get this going, I plan to have occasional guest bloggers as well.

So, Who am I?

• I am a mom. It’s my very highest calling.
• I am a Christian and while I don’t often get preachy, I have no doubt you will see that my faith affects my life and therefore my writing.
• I am a United States Air Force Veteran.
• I have lived in eight states as well as in Germany.
• I homeschooled my son for five years.
• I am a photographer.
• I have had 21 addresses in the past 25 years.
• I have had carried and borne a child with a rare genetic disorder.
• I have had that child die, not unexpectedly.
• My mother/best friend died very suddenly and unexpectedly.
• I have been through a divorce.
• I have fibromyalgia.
• I have been homeless.
• I am well acquainted with unemployment.
• I believe in a whole food diet.
• I believe diet affects attitudes, actions, pain, and almost every aspect of life.
• I have an awesome sense of humor and often use friendly sarcasm.

 

Why should you read my blog?

• I am funny.
• I am real.
• I love kids.
• I am a good writer.
• I am full of ideas, mostly good, some… well….
• I love to learn and share.
• I am an awesome mom.
• Even my son’s teenage friends like me.
• I have a tendency to say what I am thinking.
• I am a great cook and might even share recipes.
• I am a professional photographer (meaning I have been paid for weddings, ceremonies, and studio work). I might post pictures!
• I love everything about mom-ing, staying at home, homeschooling, writing, sharing, cooking, photography, and I am always wearing my heart on my sleeve.
• I like the idea of building a community of like-minded parents (dads are allowed here).

JOIN ME!