Please consider helping a Veteran and Mom working her way out of Homelessness…

Consider helping a mom and Veteran just trying to hang on and come out of an abusive situation. Right now, she just wants help paying for storage that had been paid and now she is getting notices that her things (to help rebuild her life as well as treasured memories) will be auctioned off. Every little bit helps. Thank you for going and reading and considering helping. Even $5 helps. This is not a scam, I promise. This is me.

http://www.gofundme.com/nokjl0

My son, when he was age 4, and his sister, Audrey Grace. She was six days old in this picture, the day before she went in for neurosurgery. She was a full term, 5lb, Trisomy 18 baby.

I have NEVER liked asking for help… this is no exception. I have worked for three years to pull myself up by my bootstraps and overcome divorce and homelessness. I have been humbled to be helped along the way by friends and family and have managed to keep my head above water. I worked multiple part time jobs to make ends meet and went through a protracted period of unemployment that led to a full time job. It’s just within the last week or so that I realized that something my mom told me almost 20 years ago was true: I was abused. I am divorced from him now, but due to his control and lies in court, all of our custody is joint, but he is the primary custodian and he uses every trick he can to keep me from my son. He is a malignant narcissist. He is still abusing my son and myself. It’s not usually physical, but he is mentally, emotionally, and financially abusive. This is just the latest trick in his arsenal. He says he will no longer pay for the storage unit with my stuff in it. It’s most of the stuff from a 1600 sq ft house. In the storage unit are memories of my deceased daughter (Audrey Grace, who had full Trisomy 18), from my son’s childhood, my childhood, tangible memories of the mom/best friend I lost three years ago, things from my travels while in the United States Air Force and furniture I was trying to  hold onto so I wouldn’t have to find money to buy more later. My son and I are trying to downsize and sell our stuff, but I am afraid of it being auctioned off before we can do it…It has been a very difficult three and a half years. I’m finally paying for a place of my own. It’s not much, doesn’t even have a kitchen (but I have two burners and a big toaster oven) that I call my ‘kitchen.’ I want to get custody back and rescue my son. I have only in the last week or so realized how abused I have been for 20 years. It was a startling revelation, but an empowering one. I *will* get my son back and I *will* overcome the paranoid malignant narcissist’s control. Bug and I *will* be happily on our own. This is just one step.

Thank you so much for considering helping me. Bug and I are making plans to try to sell some of my furniture (thinking it might be cheaper to re-buy later than to store, although fronting the money for new furniture is daunting for someone in my situation), the lawn tractor (riding lawn mower), sort through our stuff and hopefully downsize the storage unit, so it costs less. I don’t even have money to afford a data plan for a phone and my car is about to die, but I know it will all work out in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end!

UPDATE: I was informed this morning (3/9) that my 40 hour/week job will be 20 hours/week starting next Monday… I have no idea what I am going to do. I am praying for a miracle. Even if you can’t donate to help, would you please share my story and join me in praying a great opportunity comes along that could actually pay my bills? I am a hard worker who is determined to better my station in life and not only survive, but thrive. I want to show my son that with a little creative thinking, we can make it. Thank you so much.

Take Care of YOU

As parents, we want to take care of our kids. We take care of our spouses. We take care of things at work. We play so many roles. We are taxi drivers, cheerleaders, nurses, disciplinarians, teachers, cooks, and maids, just to name a few. We make sure the kids are fed and loved. We check homework. We do the laundry. We wash dishes. We clean the house. All of that is in addition to any paying jobs we might have. Work at home parents and work outside the home parents, “stay-at-home” parents, whatever our role, we are just busy nowadays. Add to that the fact that now, more than any time in the past, we are available 24/7 thanks to our laptops, tablets, and smart phones.

Just writing that makes me feel it. BURN OUT.

Like a fire consumes the wood, so our lives can be consumed and we can Burn Out.

 

There have been times, even when I was a “stay-at-home” mom that I was so busy, I longed for an actual day where I didn’t have to leave the house… and I was only raising one child at that time. We homeschooled. I had a job at a Boys & Girls club three hours a day, five days a week and brought my son with me. He had sports practice (different sports at different times of year) twice a week, games on Saturdays. We had church on Sundays and Wednesday nights. It was a very busy time. My son loved it. He loved the interaction with kids, as we were in a rural neighborhood with only one other kid. But I was burnt out. I was so thankful when summer rolled around and we could just stay at home. Back then, I was a single mom, but still had income from my almost-ex-husband. Things changed quite a bit after the divorce, but that’s another post.

When to you take care of you? If you give and give and never receive from others or from yourself, you end up an empty shell. I know. I have been there. I had learned over our years of separation and getting back together and separating again that I had to take time for myself. When my son would spend the night with friends, I would wander around our home, lost. I didn’t know what to do. It took some time, but eventually I realized a few things:

• I learned that I can be a better Mommy if I took a little time for myself.
• I learned that my son wouldn’t die if I didn’t entertain him or keep him crazy busy.
• I learned that my son is a very creative person, given a chance to be bored.
• I learned that taking my son to the park, meeting friends there, gave him the chance to get out some energy and gave me a chance to talk with the other parents. Sometimes, I didn’t talk, but wandered around taking pictures. I love taking pictures and expressing my creativity in photographic form.
• I learned that my son is a very capable person and can help around the house. I didn’t have to do it all alone, exhausting myself. He just needed training. We often worked together to get things done more quickly.
• I learned that I could swap baby-sitting with a friend, so I had a chance to go out alone (even if it was just to the grocery store or to get my hair cut).
• I learned that other parents liked my kid and liked having him over for sleep-overs with their kids. That gave me time to maybe go out to dinner with a friend. Times when we were both broke, we’d just get an appetizer or dessert, maybe even sharing one, just to get away from the kids. Sometimes, I would stay home and watch a movie not made for little people, whether a romantic comedy or a great action flick with too much violence for little eyes.
• I learned that I am a good hostess to my kid’s friends, too. If he is safely in my house, playing with a friend, I can have time alone without even leaving my own home or getting dressed up.
• I learned when my son was just two, that I could actually take a bath alone. He was just outside my door playing, of course. His instructions were not to bother me unless he was bleeding or on fire. A 30 min or when he was older, 60 min bath can do wonders for my outlook. Light a scented candle, turn out the lights, add some Epsom Salts (inexpensive and available at grocery stores and drug stores) to the bath. The magnesium in the Epsom Salts actually relaxes muscles for a great night’s sleep. Works on the kids, too. Figure 1/2 cup per 50 lbs of body weight in an average sized tub.

I also came to realize that the times we just ignored the outside world, together, were fabulous times to treasure and could recharge both our batteries. Covering the living room floor with building blocks and lincoln logs could be great fun (and have the child help put them away properly, too). Board games can be fun and teach them without their realizing it. Card games are fun. Popping popcorn and watching a movie with all the lights out and the curtains closed, surrounded by blankets and pillows or in a homemade couch cushion fort builds special memories.

You don’t have to have a lot of money or even escape the kids to recharge, but you need to recharge. What lights your fire? Are you artsy? Do you need time to work with your hands? Are you a thinker and just want some time to read a new treatise? You can find time. You have to be very deliberate about it, to be sure, but it can be done. Sometimes, you can let the dishes sit. Maybe you don’t need to go to every holiday party to which you are invited. Maybe you just need to take advantage of nap time. You can do it, Mom. You can do it, Dad. Remember the first thing I learned? You can be a better parent if you take care of yourself.

Please leave a note in the comments and tell me what you have learned to do to avoid burn out and take care of yourself.

5 Ideas for Helping Single Moms at the Holidays

Do you know a single mom?

Have you ever thought about what the Holidays are like for her? What it might be like to awaken on Christmas morning and not have a single item under the tree that she didn’t pick out for herself, if she even thought to do that for herself? Maybe her family is far away. Maybe she is new in town and doesn’t know many people. Maybe she just wishes she had someone who cared enough to risk trying. Having been in that boat, I would like to offer some ideas for ways to help her at the holidays.

1) Take her kids shopping. Whether she provides the money or you choose to, giving her kids the chance to experience picking out and giving the mom they love so much a special present that they chose just for her is a memory they need. To be able to understand the giving aspect of the holidays begins with actually giving. This will, by necessity, include gift bags or wrapping the presents so mom doesn’t have to do it. Where would the surprise be then?

* a little note here: it is not the rare child that insists that a hamster would be an appropriate gift for mom. I urge you to guide them away from the giving of rodents, unless you know for absolute certain that she has been contemplating getting herself a hamster…

2) Take her kids for an afternoon so she can shop for them. An infant or even a toddler won’t remember what they saw you put in the basket, but an older child will remember, so shopping needs to be done without them.

* you can take them to a park or bake cookies with them or take them to a movie (one their mom would approve) with fast food afterwards. They will have a great memory and mom will get a chance to shop alone without feeling guilty or having to pay a babysitter.

3) Take the kids for a few hours so she can nap or take a bubble bath or even wrap their presents.

* same idea as above. Moms need breaks, even if they don’t think they do. Maybe give her some bubble bath to help her understand that she is supposed to enjoy this time.

4) Take the family out to dinner or cook one for them. You can invite them over for dinner or stop by and drop off dinner. When I had a terminally ill baby at home, we were adopted by a Sunday School class. One night a week, I knew I wouldn’t have to cook.

* It wasn’t always homemade food, either. One family dropped of a frozen lasagna, frozen garlic cheese bread, and bagged salad. I was still very thankful for the respite. I’d be willing to bet that the single mom in your life would be thankful as well.

5) If you have funds, offer to fill Her stocking. Chances are if you don’t do it, no one will. A trip to the dollar store or the dollar bins at Target can fill a stocking for not a lot of money and it’s the fact that someone thought enough about her to even try that will make her eyes and heart fill up.

* as much as we moms love to give and to watch our little one’s eyes light up as they see their gift for the first time, it is sometimes nice to know that someone cared, actually, really, cared enough to buy a little thing for *us*, something they honestly thought we’d like. I would suggest getting something she wouldn’t get for herself. And, in my opinion, it needs to be an actual gift, not a gift card, unless she has requested one. For me, a gift card screams: I didn’t care enough to try, but felt obligated to get something… but that’s me.

These are just a jumping off point of possible ideas to help out the single mom in your life. Do you have any additional ideas? I encourage you to leave a comment and tell us about them.

Be Prepared for Winter Conditions

The average grocery store stocks only 72 hours worth of supplies. THREE DAYS.

Y’all, it’s Winter. It’s supposed to be the worst one in recent memory. GET SUPPLIES. Even if you can shovel your car out, there is no guarantee you can get to a store (or that the store will have anything left) if the streets are three feet high with snow or covered in black ice.

Plan Ahead! DO NOT wait until the news announces a storm coming that night. The shelves will be empty. Buy a little bit extra each paycheck. It will add up.

* Get extra charcoal or gas for your grill if you have an electric stove. You want to be able to eat hot food if there is no electricity.
* Make sure to have food on hand that can be cooked on said grill.
* Have decent food on hand that can be eaten without being cooked (sandwiches, canned fruit/veggies, granola bars…).
* Flashlights with new batteries.
* Matches.
* Candles (did you know that setting your candle or a flashlight in front of a reflective surface magnifies the amount of light sent out? Mirrors are awesome that way).
* Medications. What if you are blocked in for two weeks (I have a lot of friends in high mountain elevations)? You will need to make sure you have what you need.
* Baby formula, if you use it.
* Things for the kids to do without electricity. Board games. Dolls. Trucks. Army men. Fort building supplies! Books.
* Think about blankets. If you put them in the attic and haven’t seen them in a year, go ahead and wash them now, just in case.
* Think about water. You will want about 1 gallon per person per day. That is the absolute minimum for cooking, brushing teeth, washing faces, and drinking.
* Toilet Paper (that is something you do NOT want to run out of!)

What about an alternative heat source? Get a kerosene heater and fuel. Look up how to make a clay pot heater. Stock up on whatever your fireplace uses (propane, wood, duralogs, whatever).

When we were extremely financially challenged one winter, we spent about $11 week on clear, clean burning kerosene (Home Depot Paint Dept). We put blankets over door openings and kept only the living room, dining room, and kitchen heated. We were quite cozy in there.

Don’t forget to keep a stash in your car. If you are stranded during the winter, you could need blankets, extra clothing, non-perishable food, water, a couple of days of medications, kitty litter for traction, a tool kit, a jack, spare tire, first aid kit, even flares could be a good idea if you regularly travel for long stretches where there is not a lot of traffic.

Please plan ahead and don’t be caught without essentials. I keep hearing stories of unprepared people. Plan ahead. I am sure there is a lot more I could list, but this is just to get you thinking. If you can think of an essential category I have not touched upon, please leave a comment. Let’s help each other out.

Please be safe, my friends…

I am homeless.

I want to be completely open and share my heart with you in this blog. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write: I am one of the homeless I described in the previous post.

This is me, waking up in my car on the morning of my 44th Birthday:

Waking up in my car the morning of my 44th birthday, after “sleeping” in a hot car the night before.

I brushed my teeth and washed my face at a gas station the night before. I waited until it was quite dark and then drove to an out-of-the-way place I had found. I slept in my car next to a construction site. I got bitten by all kinds of flying bugs. I rolled up the windows and sweat like crazy in the summer heat.

I have been blessed. Although actually considered homeless for three years now, following a divorce after being a homeschooling mom for years, there have been few nights I have actually had to sleep in my car. Since the divorce three years ago, I have had seven addresses. Shelters, friends, people from my tiny church… plus several “week here and week there” addresses as I house or pet sit.

Things often come through at the last minute. I held two part time jobs for a while until the one that paid slightly more and offered a more regular, if part-time, schedule stopped playing ball and working with me to accommodate both schedules and I had to quit the first job. Then the second one let me go. I have worked at a couple of temporary jobs since then. I worked with the circus! I stripped thorns from roses in a warehouse the week before Valentine’s Day. I have been unemployed for nine months, staying in several places at the generosity of friends.

I am a USAF trained Communications Program Manager. I have a heart for kids, especially those with special needs, and have had many jobs and volunteer positions working with them (both typical and special  needs). I have run a doctor’s office. I am well-spoken and obviously have a fairly firm grasp of the technical aspects of writing. I am outgoing and personable. I have a slightly sarcastic sense of humor. I am a consummate professional and have what has been described by others as having the “perfect phone voice” (I have even been accused of being a recording).

I have survived depression and postpartum depression. I have survived mental, emotional, and even some physical abuse. I still choose to see the world as a good place. A few bad people and some more than challenging circumstances do not make it otherwise. We live in a fallen world. Period. I choose joy. Am I a little “Pollyanna” in my views? Perhaps. I try to always remember the words of Paul in his letter to the Philippians, chapter 4: 11-13  11-I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12-I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13-I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. It doesn’t mean I don’t face doubt. It doesn’t mean I don’t face fear. It means that day by day I am learning to trust in the One who has it all under control. Just like I don’t know His final plan for me having a daughter that would subsequently die, I don’t know why this is happening, but I am choosing to trust that He has my best interests at heart. Until this happened, I could never have imagined such insecurity. Now, it is a constant companion. Just like I know without a shadow of a doubt that my daughter’s life had meaning and purpose, I know that something awesome will come out of this trial. Stay tuned as I travel this road and share my days. We’ll come through it together.

Check out my Instagram post along the lines of the same topic.

Who are the homeless?

When I say “homeless person,” what picture pops into your mind?

Something like this?

Would it surprise you to know that there is actually a much larger segment of the population that is homeless, but doesn’t actually live on the streets?

* These people (men, women, and children) lack a permanent, fixed residence.

* They are staying with successive shelters, friends, family, people from church, etc.

* They are couch surfing.

* They are bunking in an extra room or basement.

* They probably do not pay any rent or very minimal rent.

* Just because a person is homeless does not mean they use drugs.

* Many have jobs.

* Some have degrees from reputable universities.

* They might have been part of a round of “down-sizing” or the like, perhaps their jobs were cut to get rid of the higher salaries so the company could replace them with kids who don’t draw as high of a salary.

* Perhaps they even managed to stay in their homes for a while, until the money ran out and the bills caught up with them.

* They might have run from domestic violence.

* They might have been “stay at home” parents thrown out after divorce.

* They could be Veterans with or without mental or physical difficulties.

* They could hold two or three part-time jobs, since so many businesses are no longer hiring full time employees, so they don’t have to pay benefits.

* They might own a car or they might take public transportation.

* They might sleep in their car and pray the cops don’t come banging on the windows at night, sleeping only when the sun is down.

* When you live in your car or on the street, you have no place to shower, use the bathroom, or cook decent food.

* Often, a majority of their income goes to transportation and sustenance.

* Some refuse all government assistance.

* You cannot tell if a person is homeless just by looking at them. They do not always carry trash bags filled with their worldly goods or push their “stuff” in a grocery cart. Their car might be filled with plastic bins of clothes and food. They might have a small storage unit in which they keep their valuables, extra clothes, comfort type things and tangible memories they are holding on to until they once again have a place of their own.

 

As long as we continue in our prejudices and our assumptions, we can’t fight the issue. I don’t have the answers and I had to take a hard road to understand that this issue is much bigger than I ever imagined.

The people on the street desperately need our help. That is not in dispute. They are so often just walked past, overlooked, ignored…

But what about the other homeless? What about those spending a week or month here and there? Even staying for several months, but without any kind of security? Not knowing when they will be asked to leave? Making enough money to afford a place with a kitchen and a bathroom feels so far away for them. They are the unknown, unseen homeless.

Imagine the joy of putting their own name on a lease. Someplace where they can stay as long as they can afford it. A week-by-week economy hotel is not the same. They pray for a place where they can rest their head at night. They want a place that is safe from the bugs at night. Perhaps safe from vermin. A place where they can cook a meal or even just heat up a boxed meal. A place where they can sleep in pajamas and maybe stay in the pajamas all day on their day off and not have to explain to anyone.

I want to be completely open and share my heart with you in this blog. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write:

I am one of those homeless.

 

photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/benbeiske/5455821258/”>Ben Beiske</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a&gt;

Hey, Mom! Can’t Sleep? Read this…

Please, although children often fall asleep in the car, don’t try this if you are the one driving! LOL

Have you ever had one of those periods where you can’t sleep? It might go on for a week or more. You are slowly morphing into a zombie. Your speech might slur from the lack of sleep. You get clumsy. And there is NO reason that you can imagine for the insomnia! Maybe you are a little bit stressed, but it’s not like when the baby was waking you up every couple of hours… I have some ideas that might help. They have helped me immensely over the years. Remember, I am not a medical professional, I am just sharing what has worked for me over the years.

L-Tryptophan

When I was a teenager, I couldn’t sleep. Mom took me to some kind of “all natural doctor.” She’s no longer around for me to ask, but I’m thinking it was a Naturopath. He questioned me forever. I don’t remember blood being drawn, but they might have (it was a really long time ago). He recommended I take L-Tryptophan at least an hour before I wanted to sleep. Turns out, L-Tryptophan is an amino acid (it’s the stuff in turkey that makes you fall asleep on Thanksgiving). It improves your serotonin levels, which helps with melatonin levels, affecting your sleep. If you are deficient in it, you can experience problems falling asleep and even insomnia.

L-Theanine

After my daughter passed away, I didn’t have problems falling asleep, but I couldn’t sleep more than a couple of hours at a time. I woke up and simply couldn’t get back to sleep. I went to the health food store, intending to get L-Tryptophan. I spoke with someone there and she suggested I try L-Theanine instead. She commented that since I wasn’t having problems falling asleep, it was likely anxiety from having just gone through something traumatic. I got it on her recommendation and it worked! L-Theanine is another amino acid. This one is found in green tea, among other things. It is calming, can counteract the effects of caffeine (so great at bedtime!), and is documented to relieve anxiety and stress by improving alpha brain waves (Juneja et al. Trends in Food Science & Tech 1999;10;199-204).

Melatonin

Melatonin is a naturally occurring hormone made by your body for the express purpose of controlling your sleep and wake cycles. Light affects this production. Your body produces melatonin in late afternoon/evening and keeps the levels up all night, falling off by morning. When the days get shorter in winter, it confuses some people’s bodies. They produce the melatonin earlier or way later, often leading to Seasonal Affective Disorder. There are a couple of ways to get more melatonin. One is by simply increasing your exposure to sunlight during the day. A ten minute walk at lunch would be ideal. The other is to supplement.

Make it Dark

Conversely, make sure your room is extremely dark. Nail up blankets over the windows if you have to. Make sure you get outside in the middle of the day and get sunshine, as that will help reset your circadian rhythm. I went through a period where I couldn’t sleep much for about a month, before I discovered anything about supplements. Just going outside for a 10 minute walk at lunchtime reset my body’s understanding of day and night. Within a week I was sleeping normally. Seems that the sunshine on my non-sunblocked skin stimulated the production of melatonin and helped me sleep better! So, to keep your body from getting confused about day and night, block those windows.

Magnesium

Most of us in western culture are also severely deficient in Magnesium. Supplement. Magnesium is a muscle relaxer. Actually, it is vital in over 300 body functions. In super high doses, it is given to women in premature labor to stop contractions. Supplement with pills and dense Epsom salt baths. Think 1-2 lbs for a big soaking tub. Even Milk of Magnesia (a laxative) uses magnesium to relax muscles!  

Unplug

Turn off all electronics at least an hour before bed. They are mentally stimulating. You need to relax. Computers, cell phones, televisions all conspire to keep you wired. Turn them off. Better yet, keep them out of the bedroom. Keep the electromagnetic field out of your resting area.

Bedtime Routine

Establish a bedtime routine that signals your body that it’s time to sleep. Maybe it’s reading a book. Maybe it’s having a cup of non-caffeinated tea. Maybe it’s a long hot bubble bath. Maybe it’s all three together. Whatever it takes to relax you and signal your body that it’s time to sleep. It will be something you do every night. That, however, is not an immediate fix. It’s more along the lines of building a habit and training your body. It’s the same thing we all do with our kids at night.

Tense and Relax

Climb in bed. Breathe deeply for a few seconds. Hold it for about five seconds and release it in a controlled manner over several seconds. Also, my mom used to tell me to squeeze my toes tightly, then release them. Then tighten my calves and release them. Thighs, buns, tummy… working my way up systematically tightening and releasing your muscles to promote relaxation. I don’t think I ever made it to my neck. I was usually asleep by then. It’s called Progressive Relaxation and is actually a well-known technique.

Prayer

You might also try prayer. Praying before going to bed and laying your cares and concerns at the feet of someone else who can easily carry that load for you could help. Ask Him to give you a restful night.

L-Tryptophan, L-Theanine, Melatonin, and Magnesium are all available wherever vitamins are sold. Also, there are charts and lists easily discoverable on-line that can tell you which foods are high in each of these.

 

So, those are just a few examples of things you might be able to do, based on things that I have done, that might help you get to sleep and stay asleep. Try them if you need to. Let me know how they work for you. I’d love to hear!